Thursday, July 23, 2009

>Heaven and Earth, Life and Loss

>I want my readers to know me as a person. ot just another website. Therefore I want to share a piece of me with you. It may only appear to that I have only one child but I really have two. One here on earth and one in heaven. But there will always be two in my heart.

I found out I was pregnant with my first child in September of 2006. I ended up losing my baby in mid December of 2006. Right before Christmas. It was the hardest thing ever. I remember it like it was yesterday.

My husband and I was not married yet. We were in the midst of planning our wedding. I remember everything like it was yesterday. If it was a boy, we were going to name him Jacob and a girl would have been Claudia. We were both so excited about having a baby.

It happened in december in the middle of the night that I had spotting. I went to the hospital and they said its very light and sometimes thats normal in pregnancy. The next day I just went with my mom to pick out wedding favors. I had nothing but fear in my mind as I went about this as though it was a chore. I just wanted to know everything was ok.

That night I went to sleep and woke again and this time the blood was a lot heavier. It was the worst feeling I ever had. So my husband and I rushed to the hospital and once I got there I wanted nothing more than for them to save my baby. That is all I kept asking. Will the baby be ok? Can you please save my baby? There was nothing they were able to do. I left the hospital with an emptiness inside me, a void that nothing was able to fill. A feeling of incompleteness. It was the worst feeling ever.

One minute the baby was inside me and the next the baby was gone. I took off from work for a couple of weeks in order to heal physically and pull together emotionally. I remember a couple mornings later I was laying in bed watching TV and it showed a commercial for the news. On the news was a mother who got in a car accident with their baby because she was drinking and driving. I couldn't stop but wondering why god gave her the gift of life but took it away from me? Still I wonder why. You see shows on TV like MTV's 16 and Pregnant, and then hear a story about a wonderful couple who cannot have kids. You just cannot help but wonder to yourself why?

Miscarriage was the most difficult experiance I ever had. It still saddens me til this day and til this day I still fear it. How do you get over losing a baby? I really honestly don't think its possible. I mean I surely cannot, and I dont think I want to. It has become a part of me and an experience that has taught me so much.

I found 2 days before i got married in February 2007 that I was pregnant again with my daughter Samantha. And by gosh it was the most wonderful gift I ever recieved. I cherish her and love her so much. I appreciate her so much and she just continues to amaze me every day.

Rose will be 2 in October. My husband and I have talked about having another child. I am not going to lie. I would love to have another child but I always have that fear of losing my child during pregnancy. It kind of makes me a little hesitant about getting pregnant. But perhaps one day soon we will try for another baby again.

I have one child in heaven and one here on earth. Both will always be in my heart. . .


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